That’s the old joke about 2 guys sitting at the bar and one says “look at those two old drunks, I’m glad that’ll never be us”. His buddy says “that IS us, you’re looking at a mirror idiot”.
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The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.
On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances,” he explains.
“Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man is horrified, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!”
“Well,” says the proctor, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances,” the proctor explains.
“Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.
After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.
“I wanted to do it I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.
“We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she’s fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.
Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, “Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”
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A priest is drowning in a river… A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.” The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn’t you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! "
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Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says “Jesus Christ your back!”
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Another Priest Joke…
Having had to give pills to a cat, it is a minimum 2 person job even if one of them is Hercules.
Three Women in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
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Like when Biden told Americans if they’re fully vacced they don’t need to wear a mask and if you’re vaccinated you will not be hospitalized or die from covid? 
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. “Long day?” the bartender asks. “Well… My oldest son just came out…” The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. “What now?” the bartender asks. “My middle son just came out.” The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. “Again?” the bartender asks. “Yeah. My youngest son.” He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. “My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??” the bartender asks. “Yeah… My wife.”
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