Jokes for July

BridgeMaven · July 2, 2022, 10:43pm

Payless · July 3, 2022, 1:29am

One day Mary was leaving a Church and she was crying. The Preacher saw this and asked Mary what was wrong.

Mary replied, I have got some bad news. My husband died last night.

The Preacher replied, that is terrible. Did he leave any last requests?

Mary replies, yes he did. What was it asks the Preacher.

He said, Mary would you please put down that gun.

glasspilot · July 3, 2022, 5:09pm

Here’s an old airline joke, I saved it in 2008. Sorry about the length:

Subject: Selected Airline Industry Quotes. (number 8 is a classic.)

Once you get hooked on the airline business, it’s worse than dope.
— Ed Acker, while Chairman of Air Florida.
These days no one can make money on the god–mn airline business.
The economics represent sheer hell.
— C. R. Smith, President of American Airlines.
A recession is when you have to tighten your belt; depression is when you have
no belt to tighten. When you’ve lost your trousers - you’re in the airline business.
— Sir Adam Thomson.
If the Wright brothers were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.
— Herb Kelleher, Southwest Airlines, ‘USA Today,’ 8 June 1994.
This is a nasty, rotten business.
— Robert L. Crandall, CEO & President of American Airlines.
The thing I miss about Air Force One is they don’t lose my luggage.
— President George Bush Sr.
You academic eggheads! You don’t know s–t. You can’t deregulate this
industry. You’re going to wreck it. You don’t know a god—n thing!
— Robert L. Crandall, CEO American Airlines, addressing a Senate lawyer
prior to airline deregulation, 1977.
No one expects Braniff to go broke. No major U.S. carrier ever has.
— The Wall Street Journal, 30 July 1980.
If we went into the funeral business, people would stop dying.
— Martin R. Shugrue, Vice-chairman Pan Am.
Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We have a small
problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to
get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress.
— Captain Eric Moody, British Airways, passenger PA after flying through
volcanic ash in a B-747.
The greatest sin of airline management of the last 22 years is to say,
“It’s all labor’s fault.”
— Donald Carty, Chairman and CEO American Airlines, 12 August 2002.
If the pilots were in charge, Columbus would still be in port. They believe
the assertion that the world is flat.
— Robert L. Crandall, 1993.
Think and act big and grow smaller, or think and act small and grow bigger.
— Herb Kelleher, SWA.
That place runs on Herb Kelleher’s bulls–t.
— Robert W. Baker, VP American Airlines, in regards to Southwest Airlines.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you
have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.
—Henry Kissinger.
There are only two emotions in a plane: boredom and terror.
— Orson Welles, interview to celebrate his 70th birthday,
‘The Times,’ 6 May 1985.
To me, an airplane is a great place to diet.
— Wolfgang Puck.
Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.
— Vice President Albert Gore.
I mean, they get paid an awful lot of money. The only good thing about
them is they can’t work after they’re 60.
— Judge Prudence Carter Beatty, New York Southern District Bankruptcy
Court, regards Delta Air Lines pilots. Reported in The Wall Street Journal,
18 November 2005