I mentioned in another post, yesterday was my wife’s birthday. However, she passed 3 years ago this Tuesday. FB likes to give me a bunch of reminders on that day, which I can deal with. But also, some people post HB on her timeline. Most of them make it clear they know she’s gone, but some don’t, or it’s not clear if they do. Just one this year, someone I don’t know, lives in another state. Would you contact them? Or just leave it?
At work, I recently found out I’m getting this award. Very cool, kinda prestigious, and I have to make a speech in September. But, the rumor mill suggests that it’s possible I was nominated for the award to keep another nominee from getting it. It’s not entirely clear, but I hate politics like that and it almost makes me want to decline the whole thing. (The other nominee is a good person who does good things, but apparently has enemies). At the moment, I’m leaning toward not declining it, but trying to give the other guy a bit of a nod in my speech.
My thought exactly. And to add to it, the people who sent the message would probably like to know that MCarley’s wife passed away. That is news that does not make one happy but which one would still like to know of.
To @mcarley: We don’t have all of the information either, but based on what you said you have absolutely no reason to decline this award. If I was in your position and knew that the other person was much more qualified than me and that they were just giving it to me to screw the other person over, I would decline it. However, you have said nothing of the sort. You have not said that you are any less deserving than that other person or that that other person stands head and shoulders above you.
I agree with the others. Accept the award and mention that you are honored to have been selected, as you know that there are many other (key word - other) deserving candidates. And, for what it is worth, if this other person believes that he didn’t get the award because he pissed the wrong people off, I would bet he will be able to live with that at the end of the day too.
I assume the above is accurate, because it fits the profile. Bear with me here. I promise I am not insulting you.
I am a recovering people pleaser myself. You might have a hard time believing that, but my abrasive online persona is compensating for a lot of years of confrontation avoidance in person (plus being impatient). I know, that’s ridiculous and pathetic. I’m not afraid to admit it.
There’s a difference between respecting others and being overly preoccupied with others’ feelings. Other people are responsible for their feelings, not you.
That is, of course, excepting very obvious infractions of legal, moral, or ethical boundaries. Rape victims can blame their perpetrator for their feelings, for instance.
But to echo @wmj above, that is not the case here.
I’ll close by saying people pleasing is just avoidance of conflict & confrontation, couched in empathetic concern. In fact empathy and avoidance get all tangled up and conflated in people pleasers.
Don’t be afraid to disappoint people, bro. Life is full of disappointment. You don’t need to carry the burden of other people’s insecurities. They’ll figure it out.
I’ve not really thought of myself as a people pleaser. I don’t love conflict and probably do some avoidance, but in this case, I’d have a lot more conflict declining the award than accepting it. And, part of my speech is about why I’m a pain in the ass in meetings, telling people they need to take chances, etc.
I’m likely accepting the award. It would be a harder decision if it were clear exactly what happened, but it isn’t entirely. And the person who might have otherwise gotten it isn’t particularly upset, at least about not getting it. Mildly upset about some part of the process.