We just make fun of her in our household.
To preface this, my sister in law used to play roller derby.
Another funny story about her is about 2 years after my wife finished her Doctoral degree we were visiting and went to church and out to eat with them.
When she introduced us at least three people asked if this was the daughter that played roller derby.
When we got back in the car I said, “No, this is the one with her Doctorate”. One of the few times I have been capable of saying something off the cuff that my wife really appreciated.
I can relate, the only difference being that I was mediocre at it. I also was supposed to practice thirty-minutes a day, though I did not do that well either. I also remember going into the eight grade when I was put in the second group of players. The first group was the most advanced and had the prime pieces of music. The second was one step below and had the back-up pieces. Almost all of the eight-graders were in the first group. I didn’t like being an eight grader in the second, but I knew in my heart that I wasn’t good enough to be in the first and was exactly where I belonged. I never had the personal vested interest in playing a musical instrument, and it showed.
As a contrast, I remember when my daughter was in the third-grade. She came running up to me at a seminar about the music program and asked me if she could play the flute. She really wanted to. She played the flute first, then baritone and then did drum major and drum line. It took up a lot of time, including week-ends, but she was going there because she wanted to and was really devoted to doing her best. She was selected drum major for the eight grade, which made me happy. I had told her in advance that there was a chance she would not be selected too, which she said she understood too.
And, as a bonus, when my daughter was starting seventh grade her school district was invited to march in the 2020 London New Year’s Day Parade. Initially the band director said that then -seventh graders could not go because they did not have enough experience, but he changed his mind and said that he would allow seventh graders the opportunity to go on the condition that he was satisfied that they were sufficiently proficient by the time the trip came. They would be eighth-graders by the time of the trip, and he figured that they had enough time to develop their skills if they were committed. He also added that if he did not feel a student was proficient enough, he would not let the student go and there would be no refund for the cost, which was not insignificant.
Of course my daughter wanted to go, and I told her that she could. I also told her that we expected her to fully commit to this and that if the band director said she was not ready to go at the time there would be hell to pay. In hindsight I had no reason to worry, as my daughter was fully committed to that.
Yes, I am being a proud father, but the point was that my daughter did all of this on her own because she wanted to, not because my wife and I thought it would be good for her and made her do it. That is how it should be.
As a side note, shortly after the 2020 New Year’s Day Parade covid hit, the schools went to remote learning and all of the remaining drum line competitions and concerts were cancelled. My daughter was understandably disappointed. I told her it was very fortunate that this did not happen one or two months earlier. Otherwise, the London Parade trip would no doubt have been cancelled and that opportunity would not have come again. I think she appreciated that.
My daughter played trombone for a year in 6th grade and was pretty good at it.
When selecting classes for 7th grade my wife and daughter decided she was not going to pursue band anymore and I was disappointed. They pointed out to me all the other things that she wanted that would not be available if she stayed with band and I understood but was still disappointed. I am so glad that I was not in charge of the, since at our High School band is a borderline cult and you really are hamstrung on any other extracurricular activity you want to do.
My son played piano and saxophone in junior high and was very good, but didn’t play in high school. He really liked playing until he didn’t.
There is a recurring theme here about letting kids decide on their own vs. having parents decide for them.
With band, the music program in my school district had issues. I remember my first year in band when during the second semester the main instructor, who was very experienced and very good, took a sabbatical and was replaced by another guy. This guy was rather arrogant, and I always got the idea that he thought that teaching a bunch of middle school students was beneath him. Later, when I was in high school I heard that the band director and left and the same guy was replacing him. I remember thinking that was yet another reason for me to be so happy I was no longer in band. About one year later that guy resigned. The story was that he had no support, all of the band assistants had resigned, and so forth. I can’t say I was all that surprised.
One positive word I will say for pushy parents is that these forced activities may well end up building skills & life experience in their kids, even if the kids do not enjoy it on the spot.
Sure, in an ideal world, we would let our children run totally free range & they would build all their skills & experience from voluntary activities. But reality is more complicated.
If your kid is spending all his free time with loser stoners from his public school, or playing video games or staring at a tablet all day, then some parental dominance is in order, and the best way to ditch bad habits is to replace them with good ones.
Naval Ravikant, super smart programmer & entrepreneur Indian immigrant, grew up in a rough neighborhood, and his mother ordered him to go to the library after school every single day for his own safety. He read book after book after book, simply due to boredom. He is now one of the most successful & happy people I am aware of, and he very likely would not be if it weren’t for the parentally imposed daily routine when he was younger.
Life is an eclectic balancing act of different principles & circumstantially dependent decisions.
A couple of things;
- We did push our kids in a couple of ways, we told them that they had to have an extra-curricular activity, and we told them that whatever it was they had to give 100% and finish what they started.
- The class in between my two kids is full of a bunch of morons, I dealt with a lot of them when they were younger, but most of them turned into worthless stoners.
This is one of my bigger concerns as my kids get older. Going to be very keen on the culture of the schools they are going to, etc.
Figure as kids get into their teens, they start branching out & spending more time with their friends. If their friends are worthless losers with worthless loser parents, that ain’t good.
This is one of those things I can’t really quantify.
It really is just this year of kids, mostly boys, that are full of idiots.
My daughters class has a couple of them, but mostly decent, same with my sons class. But the year in between must have had a radiation cloud over our town.
Just curious how are you coming to that conclusion? Seems like a very specific observation. Is your line of work with kiddos, like a teacher?
My wife is a principal in the district so we do a lot within the district, look at the sports rosters that class is underrepresented.
I also used to volunteer coach a couple of my sons teams, so I got to know the kids a year above and below, and I am very active in the Boy Scout Troop in our town so I know a bunch of kids in his age group.
I knew my daughter was grown up when she did her first bodybuilding competition. I offered to help her out with a personal trainer, but she told me that it would mean more to her if the did all of it herself. She later told me it was one of her most meaningful experiences - she did it for herself. Not for a coach…not for a team…not because someone was hounding her to put in the work…she did it because SHE wanted it.
In my opinion, competitive sports are good for children for several reasons.
It is good exercise.
They learn how to be a team player which is an important life skill to have.
If a child is a good athlete, it gives them the confidence to keep trying in other areas that are more difficult for them.
It teaches them the responsibility of having other people depend on them.
Last year (and this year too) my son staffed Boy Scout Camp.
About 1/2 hour before we got there he looks over at me and says, “OK, now I am getting nervous. I have always had you, dad, to catch me if I needed it.” I told him that I almost never caught him, anytime he needed it he really caught himself, it was just the thought of me being there that helped him.
To touch the thread about kids paying for things, one of the reasons my wife and I bought both of our kids cars is because they both staff summer camps, which is hard work, but the “stipend” they get is miniscule, and they forego a lot of money that they could make with “real” summer jobs.
You have a lot to be proud of for the way you raised your daughter and how she turned out.
The London trip was one step for both my daughter and her parents in growing up. The band director said that parents were welcome to come as long as they understood that they were expected to assist in chaperoning and that the program was fixed for all students, meaning no side family trips or anything like that. Part of me wanted to go, but there were a few things. First, in my job we are very busy at year-end, so asking for time off then is problematic. Second, at $3550 per person, that could add up for a family of four. If we were going to spend that much, it would be on a real family vacation. Third, this was one time for mother and father to let daughter go on an event like this on her own without her parents tagging along. That was a growing-up step for all involved.
I had to do two hours plus private lessons.
As I said I was first chair but you don’t see real talent till later. I played 7th and 8th grade. I lost first chair at the end of the 8th grade.
I hated it. Just wasn’t my thing but it was important to my mother. She always wanted to play.
I didn’t. I wanted to play sports. She never wanted to play sports. As such I didn’t take karate till I was 15